unscathed (almost)

As good of a time as any, I guess. I had always thought I’d come away from it all with maybe some partially blackened lungs and a collapsed vein or two. I never envisioned actually having my teeth rot right out from my mouth (although this is one fairly common trait shared amongst opiate addicts.) I also took some sort of inner and secret pride in never having contracted any major disease while I was out there using needles, sharing water, and living in general hygenic disarray.

And I never thought, not in a million years, that I’d wind up with Hepatitis C, but I did. And I do. And a surprise even to me, especially at this point in my life, where most everything is coming along fine and life is on the up and up. Starting a business and getting my life together. Finding a tolerant woman who will (and has) put up with my shortcomings. Of course, there’s a price to pay, and I’m going to pay it. And let’s get to the fucking payment because I have this life I’d like to finally start living.

The last few years have done a real number on my own perception of mortality. I always, and in the back of my head, have had an assumption that what makes people grow old is their inability to maintain the belief that they’re still young. Blows to the psyche from grey hair, illness, cavities, and Hepatitis give way to the otherwise little-known postulate that one could live forever if they would only persistently will it. At twenty-five, I thought my faith in this principle would be good enough to get me there. At thirty, I know better in that faith of any kind is for the foolish. Faith is for those who want to be excused for what they didn’t have the balls to live for or have control over today. There is no tomorrow, and there most certainly isn’t an afterlife or some kind of disneyland-magical bullshit kingdom in heaven for those that waste their lives praying to some invisible man in the sky. I feel generally sorry for these people and at the same time disgust, for the world is dominated by these idiots and their helpless, follower mentality. Here it is, live it while it lasts. It’s not going to be here tomorrow and you’re a fool to think otherwise. (Just my own personal advice, you could always put yourself into the hands of the good lord and see where you end up.)

More cavities tomorrow! (Help me, Jesus.)

4 thoughts on “unscathed (almost)

  1. Damn. Hep C. That can suck.

    I now realise how lucky I am, to have come through so many years of using, with such pure blood (even if my mouth, like yours, is a disaster area.)

    Actually, that reminds me. I really should get tested again. One never knows…

    All the best at the dentist, bi11i – oh, and I like the new layout.

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  2. hepper. I kept reading that as helper. Threw me for a loop…. Been treated yet? I’m on my way to such things. Soon to come and before my insurance runs out; that’s for sure….

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  3. While I myself identify as agnostic for the most part, I am surprised by your animosity towards spirituality. I would venture to guess if you believed in a god you might be feeling very angry at him/her for the things that have gone wrong in your life. Or is it the fucked up stuff the religious right in particular does that has you feeling offended by religion as a whole? Personally I have been on a long journey with spirituality – having had similar sentiments towards religion as a whole during my darkest years, but now that life is lighter and now that I work with people who are dying on a day-to-day basis, I am able to see some bits of wisdom from most religions. Though again, I would never say that I am a religious person. Just curious where the venom in some of your comments comes from.

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